Where is my shoe?

     It has become increasingly harder for me to get to work lately.  Now working for almost 2 full months, my little one has decided he doesn't like it when I go to work.  About two weeks ago the tears started coming and the protests, and the sobbing.  I swear there are days where my departure resembles the part in Titanic where Rose vows she "won't let go".   He says:  "No mommy I can't let you go.  No Mommy-noooooo!"   My husband has to pull him away as he clings to my body as if he will never see me again.  I in turn go to work feeling horrible like the mother who has abandoned her baby.  Thankfully, the older one sleeps later, because if the two of them get together on this process, it will prove to be my downfall.  As it is, the older one will say EVERY NIGHT:  "Mommy, do you have to work tomorrow?'  When I answer yes, he says: "Can you skip it?"  Is it really so bad while I am gone?  The best is when they say they miss me or when they get on the phone and say:  "Mommy are you coming home soon?"  It breaks my heart.  I miss our trips to the park, and playing in the yard.  I miss splashing in the sprinkler and riding bikes in the street.  What I miss most though is the all day kisses and the hugs so tight.  AS I write this with tears building in my eyes, I have to stop myself and say:  this too shall pass.  They will get over it.  But will they?  Will I?  Ugh--this economy has ruined us.  Mommy's all over the country are having to leave their babies and take jobs to help pay the bills and our kids are the ones who are really suffering.  ANYWAY... 

     So today, the three year old was in rare form and told me:  "Don't you dare go to work!"  I held back my laughter and put on my straight face.  "I have to go to work baby" I said as I grabbed my shoes.  I managed to get one on and the other one he grabbed and sat on.  "No work!" he said.  I figured wrestling him for the shoe was not a good idea as it would be harder for me to calm him down PLUS it would wake the other kid and I didn't want that to happen.  So, I walked away into the kitchen, one shoe on and one off with the hopes that he would just forget it.  I grabbed my jewelry and put it on and returned to the living room expecting him to be still sitting on the shoe, but to my surprise it was gone.  "Where's mommy's shoe buddy?"  "You can't go!" .  My husband walks in and he lets out a:  "I hate you Daddy-go back to work!".  WHOAH nice greeting right?  It got worse from there.  I picked him up and held him. Kissed him.  Loved him. Then had to leave him crying and reaching for me.  =(  When he realized I was really leaving he yelled:  "Mommy I need a kiss."  I gave him a kiss and he calmed down.  Thank GOD!   However, I don't know how much longer I can handle this parting is such sweet sorrow business.   

OK Magazine: NOT OKAY WITH ME!

      Last week I went into the grocery store here in Manhattan and while standing on the checkout line I saw an article on Jennifer Aniston and then boyfriend John Mayer.  Its captions read:  Jen and John’s wedding, WORLD Exclusive, the flowers, the cake, the place, and on and on it went.  I thought:  OH WOW!  She got married?  Where the heck have I been that I missed that news till now???  CRAZY!  So I grabbed it and checked out.  I went into working holding it up to my co-workers as if I had discovered the secret of the century.  EVERYONE said:  “WHAT? ” “She got married?”  ”WHEN?”  “I didn’t hear anything about it!” Each gal was eager to get their hands on my magazine–so I quickly sat down to read it through.  WELL- imagine my surprise when I read the actual article and found that a wedding had not taken place  but that if one does take place this is what it would like according to people close to the actress.  ARG!  I was furious.  To compound my anger even worse, a co-worker who was not willing to wait for my magazine decided to go online and look for info on said wedding and found information that the couple had actually broken up!  I hate how magazines lure you in to buying their magazines with misleading captions.  Here I was all excited about Jenn and John and my best wishes for their happiness were dashed like waves crashing on the shore.  I will NEVER EVER buy Ok magazine again. 

There's a new kid in town!

CONGRATULATIONS TO MELISSA AND PAUL ANTIZZO ON THE BIRTH OF THEIR FIRST SON:  TALON REID ANTIZZO.  TALON WAS BORN ON AUGUST 7TH 2008 COMING IN AT OVER 9 POUNDS!  MOM, DAD, AND BABY ARE DOING WELL!  HOPEFULLY THEY WILL SUBMIT A PIC FOR US. 

TAPt. Newsletter August 2008

New Article

Day One of the New Job

    It is so weird to think that today I start my new job as a secretary after 6 years of mommy duty and 10 years as a teacher. What is wonderful is that I am starting a new job with my best friend from childhood (she lived across the street from me).  We used to take pictures together and walk to the bus stop together on the first day of school every year and now all these years later I am going to be starting my first day back to work with her.  She will be training me, and undoubtedly making me laugh all day (in between very serious work of course --wink wink).  I think about all of the fun we had and are going to have and I feel so happy to be going back to work.  I know that if I were going anywhere else to work, I would probably be very uncomfortable and probably even sad to be leaving my boys behind (without their mother--its sad I know (tears and sobs)) but somehow, and for some reason, I feel okay about it. 

     So, I am writing this on the bus heading into Manhattan and surprisingly I am very calm.  Both Ryan and Michael were still sleeping when I left so I didn't have to look into their green and blue baby eyes and say goodbye/ I love you.  I undoubtedly would have been a crying mess if I had to give them kisses and hugs.  I worked part time in the mall at Christmas time and they would scream and cry as if I were going down on the Titanic.  Michael would hold my arms and say:  "No!  Mommy, NO!  I can't let you go." "I come with you."   Ryan was the one who made me quit the job at the mall because he was afraid that a robber was going to hurt me while I was in the store.  --there was an incident where I stopped a thief and he was traumatized thereafter.  I tell you they break my heart.  Thank God, they were sleeping and I was able to get out the door without tears--theirs and mine. =)

        As I look out the window going toward the Holland Tunnel I feel great comfort knowing that I will be meeting up with my old friend SANDY.  It is wonderful to know that I am going to be working with one of the very few people whom I  trust with every ounce of my being.  Having met all of the other secretaries prior to being hired (at parties that Sandy has held) and re-meeting them the day of the interview, I feel like I am walking into many welcoming arms.  The doctors seem like really fun people and very down to earth.  I believe my transition back into the working world will be a smooth one.

Help! I'm suffering from Cinderella Syndrome!

     There are so many young women who envision the happily ever after as depicted in those beloved Disney fairy tales.    Which one did you identify with?  Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty?  Many women planning their wedding choose to follow the Cinderella theme, the glass slipper, the horse drawn coach, the full ball gown, everything depicting a true princess. I too had the fairytale visions of life and the happily everafter; the glass slippers, the handsome stud (I mean prince), and the way we'd ride off on his well-groomed steed.  I am happy to say, I did have my dream wedding; my very hansome prince made our wedding day and our honeymoon trip to Aruba very magical.  Everything was wonderful; I loved my dress, I loved our bridal party, I got married in the same church I have loyally attended since childhood, our reception hall was a gorgeous, picturesque establishment and the food was abundant, elaborate, and delicious; we really did have the fairy tale I had dreamed about.

     We settled into a fixer upper which at times felt like a nightmare rather than a dream come true, where we still live today.  It is small, but it is home to myself, my prince and our two boys ages 5 and 3.  I have what I always wanted, the house, the husband, the kids, my health, God's grace--the fairytale. 

     Like many women though, (and men as well--I am sure) sometimes I forget that I do have a wonderful life and that everything is a blessing.  I have to remember this when I am having a mommy-meltdown-moment--As hard as it is, I have to remember that this was my dream and this is what I prayed for. 

     Somewhere down the line I, like millions of other women, traded in my glass slippers for fuzzy ones.  I traded my lovely wedding up-do for greasy, once in awhile washed hair that is usually up in a pony tail or beneath a baseball cap.  I traded my gown in for the everyday jeans and sensible shirt that I won't really care if it gets cheese doodle on or, in a worst case scenario, vomit.  Somewhere down the line my prince turned into the belching, grunting, ogre named Shrek and I into the fair, green, not so gorgeous Fiona.  My children are a combination of all seven dwarves: Sleepy, Dopey, Doc, Bashful, Sneezy, Happy, and especially Grumpy, yep they are all here.  I even have a few of my own new names for my dwarves at times such as:  vommity, boogery, bratty, freshy, know it all, and Stingey.  Happily there are many positive dwarves living in my home too like:  Kissy, Huggy, Ticklish, Lovey, Baby, Funny, Joy, and Blessing.  Guess what- this too is my fairytale.  It may not have been the vision I had when I was younger, but it makes me happy to be a mom. 

     Ah the fairy tale, the princess lifestyle, how sweet it all seemed. No mortgage payments, no car bills, no real job, the ability to sleep forever (a favorite of mine).  Those ladies had it all--in the end.  Come to think of it though, I should have been prepared for the dicey stuff, we all should have been prepared.  I should have realized that to achieve that fairytale ending, the princesses had to overcome extreme obstacles, the wicked step mothers, stepsisters, fire breathing dragons, the poison apples, scrubbing the floors on hands and knees, waiting on others as if you are the house maid, the seven dwarves each with their own lil unique personality,  It was all there.  Why didn't I see it?  Maybe I blocked it out, who knows.  Perhaps these tales do actually teach us a lesson or two afterall.  Perhaps we are meant to learn that we are stronger than we realize and that we are meant to pick ourselves up in times of trial and to endure all with great self pride and worth.  For when we do overcome the obstacles, both big and small, it makes the victory even more magical.   So I say to all of the mommys out there who are suffering from Cinderella Syndrome (which is what I call the desire to have that fairytale come true) sit back and enjoy the symptoms.  Your fairytale has come true mommy, your fairytale has come true.  

     God Bless all the mommys and daddys out there who deal with the mundane, the crying, the bills, the not so wonderful stuff and keep going for the sake of their children.  You will be blessed and your reward is great in the eyes of God.  Your children do appreciate you and love you although they may not know how to show it.  They will learn how to appreciate you on a higher level just as you have learned to appreciate yours.  Hang in there and may you be a blessing and a role model to others. 

     Send this to anyone you think needs to be reminded that life is a dream come true.    

What is your favorite memory of a grandparent?

     Like tiny Polaroid snapshots, memories of my grandparents are embedded in my mind forever; none of them are particularly monumental nor would they inspire the world, but they mean the world to me, and they in part make me who I am.

      How do I pick one favorite memory?  I cherish all of my grandparents and there are so many wonderful memories, but I can only choose one moment to recount today.  After careful consideration I chose to write about a moment that I shared with my grandmother 15 years ago.  My grandmother lived near by and I saw her often but quality time and serious conversations weren't a part of our repertoire as my college and work schedules didn't allow me to spend much time with her.  There was one day; however, that I felt closer to her than ever; the day we took a road trip together would be a day I would really get to know her.  Our destination was <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /?>Union, New Jersey, where her sisters lived, which coincidentally was where my boyfriend lived as well.  It was the first of many more trips we would come to take to New Jersey together, but still remains my favorite.  The trip only took about an hour, but we managed to discuss much of her lifetime in the span of that hour.  I am not sure what brought on the deep conversation, nor do I know what I said to cause her to open up a diary of her years, but I do know that it completely changed my perspective on many things.   At first we spoke generally, but somehow our focus turned to her and so much of her life.  She spoke about her wedding day as if she were wearing still wearing that beautiful dress, about my grandfather who had passed, and their happy times.   She spoke about the death of her brother at a young age and how it devastated her, and she spoke of the death of her mother and how grateful she was to be at her side when she crossed over.  She began to open up about the many mistakes she felt she had made in her life.  She wiped a tear from her eye when recounting how she had dropped out of high school because she didn't think she was smart enough to finish.  She talked of mistakes she had made in raising my dad and his sister, and how had given them the wrong advice and either stepped in when she shouldn't have and didn't step in when she should have.  Until then, I never realized how badly she felt about herself.   I couldn't imagine how she felt living with such feelings of guilt, and failure--it must have crushed her to the core of her being.  The saddest part is she didn't know just how wonderful she was, and just how much she was appreciated by her family.  She had no idea how much they learned from her, and how she helped them to grow as people.  Her decisions for her children shaped who they became.  For the remainder of the trip, I began to recount the many ways she had done right by her children.  I assured her they understood and had forgiven her.  She looked at me with watery eyes and I knew that she appreciated my listening and my attempt at healing the pain.  I quickly began to take the conversation in a more positive direction by reminding her of the times when she would take my brother and I down the block to the bay and we would catch minnows with a milk container tied to some string, and how when we were just toddlers she would pull us around the living room in the plastic laundry basket for a wagon.  It's amazing how the greatest things in a child's eyes are things that were done on the spur of the moment and cost nothing to play.  We had a greater relationship after that weekend.  I am not sure if she heard all of what I said then, but I know she was listening when I spoke a 6 page eulogy about how amazing she was when she passed away last summer. As I cried my way through that eulogy I felt her lifting me up, giving me the strength to finish.  As I looked out at my family and friends I knew they too agreed with each and every word I had said.  She knows now how wonderful she was-- She knows now.

On Going Back to Work

     The decision to go back to work after 6 years of being a stay at home mom was made for me when my husband was laid off from the carpentry field once again.  He left the field for a more reliable and promising position with the New York City Department of Sanitation, which is a great job with wonderful benefits, however, the starting salary is very low, and we just can't pay the bills on one salary.  My going back to work with a little one still out of school was not something I planned on making, and I must honestly say, it upsets me to have my early years with my baby cut short, but everyone has to do what they have to do in these times of economic decline--My feelings and sentimentality comes second, my family's well being must come first. 

     The great part is that daddy will be home during the day to watch the boys while I work and then mommy will be home at night when daddy works, this way we won't need to rely on outside child-care which scares the life out of me.  There are many wonderful daycare programs out there, don't get me wrong, but you do hear the horror stories on occasion and I don't want to take that chance with my boys if I don't have to.  I am very grateful that they will be home with my husband and my mom who share my views on discipline, rewards, morality, and religion,    I wish everyone had the luxury of leaving their children with trusted loved ones, this country's children would be a lot safer and parents without a doubt would go to work with a greater feeling of peace of mind and heart.

     So off to work I go.  Thankfully I found a job within three days of needing one which is not an easy task to do nowadays, especially in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /?>New York where the competition is FIERCE.  I have to admit though, I had help:  God always puts me where I need to be and points me in the right direction.  This time he pointed me right to my oldest and dearest friend Sandy (who had called to check up on me).  It just so happened that she was looking for a secretary at her office and was interviewing just as I asked her how work was going and if they had any positions open.  It was as if the stars had aligned and the angels sang when we both had our needs met at the same time.  God is so good.  Sandy arranged an interview for me and I went in two days later and left with a new job.  It was an offer I couldn't refuse (she loves The Godfather).  Now, not only do I have a new job, but I get to see one of my most favorite people in the whole world five days a week!  We have not been able to see each other more than perhaps twice a year (terrible I know--especially when we live about 20 minutes away) and now we get to be silly (in between our serious grueling hours of work of course) all day.  I am so proud that Sandy trusts me enough to welcome me into her place of work.  For as long as I have known her, she has always looked out for me, and today (30 something years later) she is still taking care of me.  I am such a lucky girl.  I love you Sandy.  =)

Mommy's need playdates too

     For about the first year of my son Ryan's life, I spent my every waking, and sometimes sleeping, moment with him.  From sun up to sundown, through the wee evening hours and before the rooster's crow, my life revolved around him.  We all know that having a baby is a life altering event, but until you are actually a mom, you have absolutely no idea just how much of yourself you will be giving up.  I didn't mind giving up my former self--not very much anyway.  Okay, I am telling a lie, there were days that I minded very much.  I wanted to go shopping by myself and spoil myself with a nice warm cup of coffee in a caf, but my fear of leaving my son with anyone other than my mom was terrifying to me.  I could not let go of my baby.  So, what was a mom like me to do?  I did what all moms like me do:  I brought him everywhere I went. We had a ball together; it was great; really it was, so why was I feeling so blah?  Was it because my appearance was not what it once was?  Was it lack of sex?  Was it feeling like I wasn't doing enough for myself?   Was it guilt because I wanted to do more without my son?  Was it the fact that Ryan, whom I love with all my heart, had become so dependant on me and needed me every second of the day and night was exhausting me mentally, physically, and emotionally?  I guess it was a combination of everything and more.   I had done this to myself--I know I did.  I should have let go earlier, I should have made it a priority to slowly expose Ryan to other people starting at week one to make him a stronger kid and less dependant on me, but I didn't and now I was paying for it. 

      Sound familiar mommies?  Most moms will feel this way at some point in their life, the key to preventing yourself from losing yourself completely may be as simple as this:   Join some type of organized play-group like Mommy and Me or a Gymboree class, or   befriend a mom from the neighborhood and set up a day to get together with your children.  Moms need play-dates just as much as kids do, if not more-so.  Here's why:   Because Moms deserve to be with someone over 24 inches tall who they can communicate with.  It is important to share the trials and the triumphs of being a mom with other women; play-groups and play-dates foster these symbiotic friendships in both moms and children.  Don't be surprised when you find out that most moms are feeling the same way you are; everyone is going through the same thing.   Being a mom is wonderful most of the time, but there are those days when you want to press the pause button and take a mommy time-out.  There is no shame in having the negative feelings either, don't be afraid to say:  I feel overworked, underpaid, overstressed, sleep-deprived, emotional and drained.  Chances are the other mom will say:  "Thank God, I thought I was the only one!"  If you find a mom who says:  I never feel like that--YOU HIT THE JACKPOT!  Ask her what her secret is and send it to me!  She must have Super Nanny Joe Frost on the payroll. 

     For those of you who are rolling your eyes and saying, oh please, gimme' a break-play-dates, who needs them;  I must say:  I too used to feel that way about organized play dates, but that was before I found a group that I clicked with. Don't give up on the idea until you have exhausted your possibilities; believe me, its worth it when you find that one mom you instantly feel "gets you".   It is essential to your success and sanity.  If a group doesn't suit you or one mom doesn't share your values and likes, move on. 

     When Ryan was a year and a half I changed my negative stance on organized play.  A friend of mine who was very much into the social aspect of motherhood took me to a mommy and me group at a church which I enjoyed, but found a little bit too unorganized (which isn't usually the case--they are usually run very well). In their defense though, they were just starting the program and trying to work out the kinks.   After that, I decided to join a program closer to my own home.  By the end of the first session, I was saying:  Why didn't I do this sooner?  Ryan loved it.  Apparently I am not as fun as I thought I was.   He walked through that door, saw all those toys and the other children and I could swear I heard Angels singing and the gates of a heavenly place swinging open to welcome us.  We had found our perfect playgroup-- Here's why:  1.   The class started at 10:00 a.m., the perfect time as it gave me time to gather myself together and didn't interfere with naptime.  2.  It gave me a reason to want to fix myself up -someplace to go, WOO HOO!  3.  I met other women who were going through the same things as I was, and thus I was able to gage how I was measuring up.  I wasn't failing miserably, in fact, I was doing pretty darn well-We all were.   4.  Although Ryan and I had always done educational things together, the woman running the class became the platform for his future education.  The structure and the interpersonal experiences he received there helped him get ready for future pre-k programs.   5.  It gave Ryan the ability to separate from me and learn to trust other moms and the teacher, even if it was just a bit, it was a start.   I strongly recommend joining a playgroup and organizing your own play-dates, it will definitely get you through those days when you just don't think you can make it on your own.  Enjoy your time with your children and make new friends. Happy playing.

What do you remember most about your dad?

     What do you remember most about your dad?  I am trying to remember one fond memory of my dad-a day that stands out and up against every other memory of my dad.  My dad is still alive, so when I say memory I just mean times passed that I have spent with him.  So here is the thing:  I can't really remember one completely amazing moment because we had SO MANY wonderful ones.  I guess I am just having trouble picking just one.  From my childhood I remember him pulling my brother and I on the sled in the snow-covered street infront of our house and going camping with him and mom.  I remember the way he would smell of oil after work, and I remember him carrying me into the house at night after he and mom picked us up from our grandparent's house after he and mom had a date night.  Sometimes I pretended to be asleep just so he would carr