Mommy's need playdates too

     For about the first year of my son Ryan's life, I spent my every waking, and sometimes sleeping, moment with him.  From sun up to sundown, through the wee evening hours and before the rooster's crow, my life revolved around him.  We all know that having a baby is a life altering event, but until you are actually a mom, you have absolutely no idea just how much of yourself you will be giving up.  I didn't mind giving up my former self--not very much anyway.  Okay, I am telling a lie, there were days that I minded very much.  I wanted to go shopping by myself and spoil myself with a nice warm cup of coffee in a caf, but my fear of leaving my son with anyone other than my mom was terrifying to me.  I could not let go of my baby.  So, what was a mom like me to do?  I did what all moms like me do:  I brought him everywhere I went. We had a ball together; it was great; really it was, so why was I feeling so blah?  Was it because my appearance was not what it once was?  Was it lack of sex?  Was it feeling like I wasn't doing enough for myself?   Was it guilt because I wanted to do more without my son?  Was it the fact that Ryan, whom I love with all my heart, had become so dependant on me and needed me every second of the day and night was exhausting me mentally, physically, and emotionally?  I guess it was a combination of everything and more.   I had done this to myself--I know I did.  I should have let go earlier, I should have made it a priority to slowly expose Ryan to other people starting at week one to make him a stronger kid and less dependant on me, but I didn't and now I was paying for it. 

      Sound familiar mommies?  Most moms will feel this way at some point in their life, the key to preventing yourself from losing yourself completely may be as simple as this:   Join some type of organized play-group like Mommy and Me or a Gymboree class, or   befriend a mom from the neighborhood and set up a day to get together with your children.  Moms need play-dates just as much as kids do, if not more-so.  Here's why:   Because Moms deserve to be with someone over 24 inches tall who they can communicate with.  It is important to share the trials and the triumphs of being a mom with other women; play-groups and play-dates foster these symbiotic friendships in both moms and children.  Don't be surprised when you find out that most moms are feeling the same way you are; everyone is going through the same thing.   Being a mom is wonderful most of the time, but there are those days when you want to press the pause button and take a mommy time-out.  There is no shame in having the negative feelings either, don't be afraid to say:  I feel overworked, underpaid, overstressed, sleep-deprived, emotional and drained.  Chances are the other mom will say:  "Thank God, I thought I was the only one!"  If you find a mom who says:  I never feel like that--YOU HIT THE JACKPOT!  Ask her what her secret is and send it to me!  She must have Super Nanny Joe Frost on the payroll. 

     For those of you who are rolling your eyes and saying, oh please, gimme' a break-play-dates, who needs them;  I must say:  I too used to feel that way about organized play dates, but that was before I found a group that I clicked with. Don't give up on the idea until you have exhausted your possibilities; believe me, its worth it when you find that one mom you instantly feel "gets you".   It is essential to your success and sanity.  If a group doesn't suit you or one mom doesn't share your values and likes, move on. 

     When Ryan was a year and a half I changed my negative stance on organized play.  A friend of mine who was very much into the social aspect of motherhood took me to a mommy and me group at a church which I enjoyed, but found a little bit too unorganized (which isn't usually the case--they are usually run very well). In their defense though, they were just starting the program and trying to work out the kinks.   After that, I decided to join a program closer to my own home.  By the end of the first session, I was saying:  Why didn't I do this sooner?  Ryan loved it.  Apparently I am not as fun as I thought I was.   He walked through that door, saw all those toys and the other children and I could swear I heard Angels singing and the gates of a heavenly place swinging open to welcome us.  We had found our perfect playgroup-- Here's why:  1.   The class started at 10:00 a.m., the perfect time as it gave me time to gather myself together and didn't interfere with naptime.  2.  It gave me a reason to want to fix myself up -someplace to go, WOO HOO!  3.  I met other women who were going through the same things as I was, and thus I was able to gage how I was measuring up.  I wasn't failing miserably, in fact, I was doing pretty darn well-We all were.   4.  Although Ryan and I had always done educational things together, the woman running the class became the platform for his future education.  The structure and the interpersonal experiences he received there helped him get ready for future pre-k programs.   5.  It gave Ryan the ability to separate from me and learn to trust other moms and the teacher, even if it was just a bit, it was a start.   I strongly recommend joining a playgroup and organizing your own play-dates, it will definitely get you through those days when you just don't think you can make it on your own.  Enjoy your time with your children and make new friends. Happy playing.